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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Review: Metallica and Lou Reed- Lulu (2011)

Band: Metallica & Lou Reed
Release: Lulu
Genre: Avant Garde Metal
Label: Warner Bros Records

1. Brandenburg Gate
2. The View
3. Pumping Blood
4. Mistress Dread
5. Iced Honey
6. Cheat On Me
7. Frustration
8. Little Dog
9. Dragon
10. Junior Dad

Review: 0/10
Where to even begin with this atrocity that is known as Lulu, the re-burger of Metallica & Lou Reed… Well, we can start with the very first words spoken on the first song “Brandenburg Gate”: “I would cut my legs and tits off when I think of Boris Karloff…” Literally, reading the lyrics for this entire album will speak for itself. If you're one of the chosen few that "don't get" Lou Reed's poetry (as James Hetfield puts it), then you are not reading this from the enclosure of a padded cell or closet.
This is the most god awful album on the planet. This justifies Metallica’s famously horrible St. Anger in every way, to the point that it makes St. Anger sound like Adele. With as much hype as the guys have been giving this album, this by far wins my vote for not only the biggest letdown of the year, but of any hyped up album ever released. If this album doesn’t get worst album of the year, decade, and century, then I’m a one-legged, pissed off Puerto Rican. I can’t begin to express my disgust of the way they fooled their loyal fans looking forward to this turd. I would rather take my $12 to the bank, cash it all in for pennies, go to the nearest sewer grate or manhole cover, and drop one penny at a time, at a rate of 1 penny an hour. I would derive more enjoyment from that then actually listening to this again.
What can be said about “The View” that fellow writer Sammi hasn’t already said? Read that single review Here. To throw in my two cents, it sounds to me that the instruments of “The View” were recorded onto an LP disc format, but instead of using a stylus to read the music, they used Lou Reed’s nut sack.
Is there any actual musicianship at all within this album? I’m afraid there isn’t. “Pumping Blood” sounds like a heavy version of Phish, and yes I use that as an insult because I cannot stand Phish. If you are unfamiliar with them, be glad. They are a crappy jam band, which is what this song sounds like. As a side note, when James Hetfield croons “Why do I cheat on me” along with Lou on the song “Cheat On Me,” it sounds like he stubs his toe every time he says it.
The angst of millionaires is shown in the song “Frustration,” which, musically, is very much like “The View.” Minimal musicianship that is re-hashed and re-burgered, Lou’s babbling old man nonsense talk, and the overall effect that somewhere, at this time, everyone who is not listening to this album is having a good life. In about four months, you will be making about thirty dollars an hour. You take a trip to the thrift store and you see this album for the low price of three dollars. Seeing the name Metallica, you are excited at listening to a Metallica album that you’ve never heard before. You get home and you play this on your computer, which kills you a little on the inside. So you actually get upset, and drive the 45 miles back to the same thrift store just so you can get that three dollars back, never mind the fact that you spent about twenty in gas to get there alone.
Have you ever had that moment where you were halfway out the door, when a old man appears (grandpa or otherwise), and continues to talk to you about his life, but he has Alzheimer’s coupled with deliria, so he ends up talking in droves about complete nonsense and won’t let you leave? So you try to interrupt him so that you may continue about your day, but every time you do, he talks over you like you don’t exist? That’s what putting myself in harm’s way for this website by listening to this album was like. It amazes me that no one quit the band during or after the recording of this album due to creative differences. No matter where life takes these individual musicians, Lulu will remain in their shadows for eternity. Hopefully this, in turn, will diminish Metallica’s widely publicized diva attitudes, because this is proof that their shit does indeed stink.
I also admire journalist Chuck Klosterman's review of this, saying "If Red Hot Chili Peppers were to acoustically cover the twelve worst Primus songs for Starbucks, it will still sound better than this." 
Oh, and to every single reviewer who had the audacity to give this album a positive review and saying that this album is "important" because of it's sheer lack of commercialism, you are the biggest hipsters I have ever seen. I demand reparations Andy Maroon. Where’s my shirt?

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